Bowler

I'm usually one of those "avoids seeing the doctor" people because:

A).  Most health issues I have involve common colds and viruses, so the trip is almost always a waste
B).  Seeing a doctor, even with insurance, always seems to be expensive.

So I have a doctor's appointment for Thursday, since I've got two things bothering me right now.  One is potentially more serious than the other, but both are bothering the shit out of me right now.

First:  I have either spider bites or cysts or horrible bacne on my right shoulder blade.  I have no idea what they are.  All I know is that they hurt a bit if I raise my arms up (and thereby compress the skin a bit).  It's been 3 days, and they are showing signs of growing together (there's 4 of them in a constellation) rather than going away.  Need to get that checked out.

Second: Two weeks ago I noticed a "chafing" sensation in my right armpit, and thought maybe my dry-cleaned dress shirts just had some extra starch in them I wasn't used to or something.  However, the sensation continued, even when I woke up in the morning and hadn't had a shirt on for 8 hours.  Now, it feels like I have something constantly held in my arpit, like, fold up a cloth and hold it in your armpit by holding your arm against your side.  Kinda like that.  It's definitely under the skin, and I can't find it.  So, something awry in my arpit and me approaching 40 (in two years!) = no fucking around and go straight to the doctor and get this checked out.  Maybe it's just a pulled muscle?  I hope?

I'm hoping that these two things can be fixed with coritzone and more cortizone (bug bite and inflamed glands or something).  I'll also accept but not enjoy antibiotics.  I'm just reeeeallly hoping that neither requires surgery.

/fingers x'd.

It's APRIL 05.

Maybe you missed the memo that it's Spring? No, honest, it's Spring now.  Birds singing, trees budding, wind's not freezing cold, etc.  So now that we're both up to speed, do you think you could CUT IT THE FUCK OUT WITH THE SNOW?

No Love,

The guy who has to scrape snow off his car April 6th before he heads into work early on Monday.

Really, the following is why I just think anything of any kind of permanence is stupid, be it a bumper sticker, or a tattoo, or whatnot. 

I saw this on the way into work this morning, and didn't get my phone out in time to get the picture.  It was on the wheel cover of a Jeep (Hi Rick!) in front of me.  The woman obviously was stacking bumper stickers on it, working from the middle out as she found new ones to put on.  The Obama one there was "offset" from the middle, so it was probably the most recent one and crammed in awkwardly.

I'm pretty sure if she stopped to read all of her stickers and ponder them for a bit, she might want to get a new wheel cover and start over:
( Click for political hilarity ensuing. )

So far, this has been at least a 5 gallon winter, and there's no signs of it stopping.  What kind of gallons?  Windshield wiper fluid.

Today I had to stop at the Oasis on the highway to get some more as I only put in a 1/3rd of a gallon (what I had left) last time I ran out, and I knew I was getting low.

So I pull in, walk inside, and figure that with four bucks in cash, I should have enough to buy the fluid, and have plenty left over for chips, drinks, and snacks in the vending machine at work.  No need for the charge card.

Oh, was I wrong.

It rang up to $3.64 for the gallon.  For some blue tinted water with an anti-freeze agent in it.  Let's review some other things that come in gallon sizes.

Water (distilled):  $1.49
Gasoline (89 octane):  $1.94
Milk (2%):  $2.99

This shit used to cost a buck.  ONE DOLLAR.  They're only charging this much because they know we'll pay for it, or the car is undriveable.

In just ten minutes it'll all be over, and I won't have to hear any more about "historic firsts" again.  HA HA HA OH GOD WHO AM I KIDDING?

Since all I have to cope is comedy, I give you this:



Because seriously, if the media could, they would.

Reading your old blog posts and realizing you used to be funnier than you are now.

But really:  learning your Dad doesn't have cancer.

It's been a pretty decent day.

Okay, I come upstairs due to el_bow  's insistance that she's smelling skunk (through a sealed up winterized house, but hey, I smell it, too), turn on the porch light, part the blinds, and there's a 20 lb possum eating the Japanese cran-apples on the deck.

WTF YO.

This is the world's greatest Dad.

Today I'm happy that when the fucking tree fell over, that the super ancient glass acorn ornaments that belonged to Liz's Grandmother didn't break.

Although I'm not thrilled that the 60 year old spun glass angel got a little bit damaged and two of Liz's old ornaments broke.

I'm sorry if I'm not really good at this happy thing lately.

Today's happy thing:  Having  a little bit of time to keep the family tradition alive of going and getting a Christmas tree together.

I feel bad I wasn't there to decorate the tree with el_bow and the kiddo, but at least we managed to pick one out today, cut it down, and bring it home.  And we got some fun looks as the tree (strapped to the roof) was almost as big as the car.

Also:  house isn't blown up yet.

I'll bite.  100 Things.  Bolded if I've done them.  Stupid commentary on pretty much everthing.

( The cut-ening!!! )

If you "kill off" Batman, either by actually killing him, or give him "a secret from his past" so awful that he can't fight crime anymore, or in other words, pull a "Bane" on his back, I promise you, I will never, EVER give you another fucking penny so long as I live.

Your Bane gimmick was one of the worst things ever to happen in the history of comics, and I kept my promise:  I haven't bought an issue of Batman since.  If you pull this bullshit, I will make sure to never give you another dime for anything as long as I live.  If your writer can't find any good stories to write about him, then fire him and hire another.  I know of a few people who have some ideas.

I might have to convince someone else to pay for my ticket if Depp plays The Riddler in Nolan's newest, but you won't get my money, god damnit. 

So yesterday the local red tailed hawk (he's about two feet long, seriously huge) caused another bird to strike our giant kitchen window.  Earlier this year a smaller bird that the hawk was chasing hit it, probably at an angle, because when we looked  up all we saw was the hawk radically bank and change angles about two feet away from the window and chase after a small bird that was flying away from our back deck that the window looks off of.

But yesterday, it sounded like a tympani drum when the bird hit the window.  I knew this couldn't be good, since the loudness of the strike meant that it had to be a larger bird than before, and probably so much velocity that there was no way it was going to recover from the hit.  It didn't help that there was a ball of tiny feathers stuck to the glass at the impact point, either.

I approached the kitchen window cautiously (I don't like being surprised by dead animals, even on the other side of the glass), and first noticed the hawk taking perch on the railing of the deck (about 10 feet away from the window).  The fact that the hawk had perched and wasn't chasing anything anymore told me that whatever it was chasing had stopped moving, so I crept closer so I could get an angle and see what was on the deck below the window.

A robin was laying on the deck, on its side, wings and feet not moving.  Its beak started to open and close, but nothing else moved, and I knew instantly that it had at the very least broken its neck.  At first I thought I saw that it had dropped a berry from its beak, but then I noticed that the berry was growing bigger, and realized that it was bleeding out of its mouth.  And then it stopped moving altogether, and I realized I just watched it die.

The hawk was either intimidated by our presence even on the other side of the window, or it gave up interest in the robin, so it retreated to the swingset in the backyard and perched there while it either waited for us to leave the viscinity of the robin or it was hoping the robin would start moving again.  I guess the act of "playing dead" works on predators that don't eat carrion, as it probably tricks their instinct to lose interest in the now dead meat.  There's probably no good way to encode "only eat dead stuff if it doesn't smell funny" in DNA, so they get an on/off switch.  If you killed it, eat it.  If it was dead when you found it, don't eat it.  I guess they don't process "it died while you were chasing it very well."

Eventually the hawk just gave up and left, which I was a bit cheesed at.  I'd rather it at least took the robin and ate it, because now there's going to be two dead animals and only one of them is going to be eaten, whenever it catches its next meal.  If it hadn't left the backyard I was going to go fling the robin out back with a shovel so it could reach it easier.  Instead I wound up having to bury the robin next to the bush in the middle of the yard, since I don't have any yard waste bags ready to be thrown out that I can put it in.

Oh well.  There's no good ending to this other than I didn't have nightmares about dead robins bleeding out of their mouths last night.

Once again, for like the hojillionth time, the Illinois DMV has fucked me in the ass.

This time, they never put my Motor Voter registration through.

I distinctly remember being asked the last time I got my license renewed (it was when we moved to the new house 4 years ago), being asked about Motor Voter, and my saying an emphatic YES so I wouldn't have to vote at the wrong polling place this time around.

Evidently, they never sent it through.  The Dupage Election Board never got it, and so now I was stuck voting on only the Federal ballot, when there's an Illinois Constitution Convention at stake.  The Election Judge at the first polling place told me to go vote at the second polling place (where I was registered under the Federal ballot), and then at the 2nd polling place, the Election Judge told me, encouraged me, almost mandated that I "just vote on your Federal ballot."

I initially told her no, that I want to vote on the Con Con, and walked outside to call the DuPage Election Board.  After waiting on hold for over ten minutes, I went back inside, where the Election Judge once again encouraged me to go through with "just vote on your Federal ballot."  So I did, thinking I could resolve this and get a provisional ballot for the local.

Turns out that even if I could have resolved the Motor Voter issue (HA HA HA HA oh man hang on I gotta take a breather after thinking the Illinois DMV might ever get their heads out of their collective butts), because I already cast my Federal ballot, I would not be allowed to vote on any local issues, as I already cast my ballot.

I hate you Illinois.  You are incompetent, pathetic, and criminally corrupt (an issue that's completely aside from this incident).

How in the flying fuck am I registered to vote on a Federal level, but not on a local level, despite both of my addresses being located within the same state, nay, the same god damned county.

No, really, I'll keep this entry short.  I'm not going to convince you to vote one way or another, nor do I have any intention to do so. 

For the past year I've expressed (in person with friends, at least) the desire to fully reboot congress; to kick everybody out and start over.  Then, I got caught up in the stupid election races, listened to the pointless rhetoric from each side, decided I'd vote for one side, then was breifly courted by the other, and then went back to the original.

Just now, I had a brilliant conversation with my Dad that lasted for two hours about politics, life, carreer, you name it.

But after talking to my parents, I realized that their early voting strategy was fulfilling my desire from the previous year, and I've come to the epiphany that I'm also voting this way come Tuesday.

If you're an incumbent, you're fired.

Ten years ago I bought this awesome purple tuxedo jacket at the greatest costume store that ever was (or at least in our area) just before they closed, with the intention of doing a Joker costume "done right."

It went largely unrealized (okay completely unrealized) until I saw The Dark Knight, and like probably every other nerd guy in America, decided to go as the Joker for Halloween.  We got invited to a co-worker/buddy/esteemed professional acquaintance's costume party, which was last night, and after a lot of last minute grabs, had enough pieces to put the costume together.

First, I had to make sure I could do some decent cheek scars.



These didn't turn out too badly.  I used this stuff called Collodean, and jeeeeebus is it hard to find/get ahold of.  It is basically nail polish for your skin, and it smells like wart remover.  You paint it on your skin, and as it dries, it hardens and shrinks up, so it pulls the skin in on itself like a scar/scab might.  While it looks pretty great in this (and the two subsequent) photos, I think I should have used the liquid latex I bought to build up the scars around the recessed areas more with some raised bumps.

( Moar Epic Pics After the Cut. )

OH GOD, IF ONLY THE DEBATES WERE LIKE THIS


http://www.break.com/index/unbelievable-mccain-vs-obama-dance-off.html

 Why did you make spiders?

And okay, I get it, you made them to eat other bugs, but I have to ask a followup then:  Why did you make them so DUMB?

I've got like 18 spiders in the basement, AGAIN.  THERE ARE NO OTHER BUGS TO EAT DOWN HERE.  

I'm not sure what makes me more afraid, the idea that there's that many spiders in the basement, or that I've gotten so used to them that I'm merely content that they're not crawling down my face and generally staying away from me.

Okay, I have an eyecast on right now.  Yes, you read that right.  It's a cast.  For your eye.  Your eyeball.

My stupid cornea tore again in my sleep last night (the one that my daughter jabbed her fingernail in 3 years ago).  I thought it was fully healed, and didn't need drops in it anymore, but evidently during the night my eyelid stuck to it and tore it back open again.  It's done this countless times before, but this was probably one of the worst times since the original injury.

At least now I'm so used to the pain that it's more of a constant irritation than anything else.  It still feels like there's a fingernail floating around my eyeball when it happens.  It just doesn't hurt that much.  I didn't think I'd ever get used to that.  When it first happened the irritation had me wanting to claw my eye out (try feeling like you've got something coarse and gritty stuck under your eyelid for 3 straight days without sleeping), and the pain would wake me up screaming in the night when I'd get the occassional stabby pain.  Now it just wakes me up and I think "WOW that hurt a bit.  Maybe I should go get some drops and put some pressure on this."

Oddly enough, I'm now wearing a contact lens over it so that it can't stick to anything, and have constant pressure on it to keep it glued down while it re-heals, and this thing is bugging the shit out of me.  I've never worn contacts before, and this one isn't fitted for my eye.  I'm lucky it's at least such a mild/non prescription that it is only mildly throwing off my vision (just enough to give me a headache!).  But UGH it's like constantly drifting around in there and I can feel the edges almost all the time.

The fitting for it was hilarious.  They sent in Moose Und Sqvirrel nurse from Yookraine to fit contact.  "Loook down.  NO, loook DOWN.  You steel lookeeng up.  Yoo must open both the eyes or dees not verk right.  Loook DOWN."  It was hilarious, she was treating me like I'm some lifetime contact wearer; that I know how to put one in my eye, and here I am with a TORN CORNEA and someone putting a contact in that eye for the first time, and she's giving me shit like I'm an idiot for having a nervous system that's attempting to fight off the foreign invasion of objects it thinks are pouring into my eyeball.  Lady, I'd LOVE to be able to look where you're indicating, but right now I feel like you've just dropped a nickel in my fucking eye.  Give me a minute here.

So I get to sleep in it, and I'm going to see if I'm up for driving to work tomorrow.  It's been feeling pretty good all day, except for the whole THERE'S A CONTACT THAT DOESN'T FIT IN MY EYE thing and the lack of sleep from being in eye pain last night.  I just have to make sure I don't rub my eye so I don't pop it out.

 My diet Panini smells a lot like a zoo.

I'm sure this has more to do with the olives in it than the fact that it didn't stay frozen in the freezer compartment of the mini-fridge overnight.

I hope.